Thursday, July 22, 2004
by bunny mcintoshScarnsworth is writing a book on how to get laid in the '00 so I thought I'd put my 2 cents in on behalf of the ladies. I present:
bunny mcintosh's guide to getting action
First of all, go some where people you want to do hang out. like the pet store. or hawii. people are always buying groceries. Look for people with good groceries, like brand names, that way you can avoid dating more poor people. Also, avoid vegetarians, as they are all pussies, and will probably cry a lot in the future.
Next, make something up about yourself. Like say you used to be Diana Ross' daughter's best friend. Men love that. It makes their wives seem boring and fat.
If you want to date a hot guy in a band, tell them that you don't date musicians, because they're all stupid. This drives them wild. Especially lead singers, who find your candor and domineering attitude very exciting.
If a man has a strong ideological stand point, don't talk to him anymore. He's just going to end up being bad in bed and you're going to have to hear some lame lecture where he mostly quotes Ayn Rynd or Sid Vicious and assumes that you've never read a book before.
Most girl's problem is that they're all worried about getting rejected. Don't worry about this. Sure, you'll get rejected, but it's no big deal if you stay drunk enough. But go ahead and keep a chloroform soaked rag in your purse, just to be on the safe side. That way, if you're stripping in your room and the guy becomes horribly afraid, you can knock him out and leave him in the hall with no memory of the events leading up to this unfortunate instance. Also, never feel insecure, because boys who don't want to make out with you are gay, regardless of any real reasons they might have.Do not be afraid to make the first move, unless you like the person and want to get to know them.
The main thing is, have a reason to get people to come to your apartment. If you're at a loss, choose from this list:
1) I have a new pet. Do not worry if this is a lie. Usually they'll forget once you take your shirt off.
2) Would you like some candy? Also-- if you don't have any real candy, just say you lost it.
3) I just got the Office DVD. This works, because it is the best show on television, and regardless of whether or not they want to bone you, you at least get to watch the Office DVD again.
4) I have weed. People always want to either smoke weed, or watch you smoke weed. If you don't have any weed, just say your fucking hippie roommate stole it.
5) I need help moving a dresser.This works pretty well with ex boyfriends for some reason.
6) I wrote a song about you. Don't worry if you don't know how to write songs. All you have to do is learn "More Than This" by Roxy Music. Straight guys don't listen to Roxy Music. If the guy has good fashion sense, or is British, you may have to learn a different song, though.
7) I have to be home in case my hot lesbian room mate needs a back rub. Use this only if things get extremely desperate, as people tend to become disappointed and belligerent when they find out that you have no hot lesbian room mate and that your name isn't even really Jessica.
If this doesn't work, then there are other things you can do, like whisper extremely filthy things in their ear at the bar. Or tell them that you're going to inherit millions of dollars in three months.
When they wake up in a ditch behind the navy school after the hottest sex they've ever had, they won't even care that you're a completely deceptive psychopath. Or that they're missing their wallet.
Play on, player.
2:50 PM
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
New photoshoot over at bluecad. Man, this place needs an adrenaline shot quick, Mrs. Mia Wallace-style.by Raspil
11:58 PM
